LAKES, LOCHS AND LOOSE LIVING
SATURDAY 30.06.90: Carry On Up The Lakes
06:05
With a ying and a yang and a yippety-yah Trevor lept into his temperamental Talbot Samba and left the family bungalow in Toker’s Green. It was to have been a house but the builders ran out of bricks and had to bung-a-low roof on.
06:20
Trev arrived at Clive’s house in Woodley ten minutes early. Throughout the holiday Trev would surprise everyone by coming early.
06:50
Yo Burghfield! Yo Linda! Having got Linda’s luggage into the car we realised that there would not be enough room to take Joy on holiday as well. We thought it only fair to drive to her home in Calcot to tell her.
07:05
The wine-gums are open!
07:10
Arrived at Maison Joie. By increasing the dimensional transcendentalicity of the car we managed to find room for Joy and her luggage after all. The Samba’s parcel shelf was gutted that it had to be left behind in Joy’s garage however.
07:18
They’re off!
07:19
We put them back on again!
07:20
We’re REALLY off!
07:25
Onto the M4: 0 – 70 in four minutes
08:26
With much fan-fair Trev activated the windscreen wipers. Pesky rain.
08:27
As we sang along to ABBA we were overtaken by a 2CV. Oh the shame.
08:35
Trev reminisces of the Wire Brush song. The words “I’ve got a wire brush stuck up my bum” could be, apparently, sung to any well known piece of classical music. This had been taught to him by Joy several years before although who told her we shall never know. Perhaps it was a form of instinctive race memory.
08:37
Linda experienced her first-ever Fizz Bomb courtesy of Joy. It was a moment of female bonding that was wondrous to behold.
09:10
Breakfast at South Trensham services: beans; spam; bacon; spam; sausage, spam and spam (but the spam was off). Joy did her own thing and had a couple of banana rolls AND a Danish Pastry. Well, we were on holiday and cared not a jot about expanding waistlines.
10:15
The journey resumed with Clive being told to “belt up!”. Well someone had to tell him.
10:20
SUNSHINE! Oh, and our first traffic-jam.
10:50
We hit Birmingham. Well, it was more of a friendly slap actually.
10:55
Another traffic-jam but Clive and Trev kept the girls entertained with their stunning duets.
11:25
After a much needed change of buttocks we moved on apace.
12:45
Stopped somewhere on the M6 in Staffordshire to fill up with petrol. It was here that some mystical, unearthly force rendered the car stereo buggered..
13:15
300 miles!
13:30
We entered Cumbria. Where are the lakes then?
14:40
Arrived in Ulverston. We partook of a wander and got caught in the most violent passing shower that you could possibly give credence to. Linda came off the least damp due to her seductive, see-through rain-mack. Once the rain had ceased we visited the Laurel and Hardly museum which was rather disappointing as it seemed to be more concerned with the fans rather than the comic genius’ themselves. However, Trev managed to make an old man very happy. Well it’s a hobby I suppose. When the elderly curator saw the ginger-haired traveller he exclaimed with delight “did you know Stan Laurel had ginger hair?”.
15:25
We left Ulverston on the trail of the lonesome pine.
15:30
The car shook and rivets burst asunder as Clive sneezed.
15:33
Stopped to wipe snot off the windscreen.
16:05
Having driven down roads as twisty and turny as a twisty, turny thing we arrived in Outgate and very soonly found ‘Bracken Fell’ which was to provide us with bed and board for the next few nights. It was absolutely very-nice-indeed as were the couple who ran the place. They gave us a run-down of the local attractions including the “flying plane” at Windermere. Gosh, who’d have thought it: a plane that can fly. Tis a wondrous world of technology we live in.
17:30
Went for a walk around Outgate. It was a bit too muddy for any picturesque walks so we decided to return tomorrow to take some photos. Unable to hold back any further Clive flirted with some local sheep. Strangely they seemed to understand what he was saying to them.
18:00
Went to ‘The Outgate’ pub for dinner where a baby girl helped Trev polish off the bowl of chips he had ordered by mistake. Whilst Trev and the lasses got a bit squiffy Clive returned to the B&B to watch some of the World Cup. It’s something to do with football apparently.
10:00ish
… and so to bed
SUNDAY 01.06.90
07:30
Wakey, Wakey! Trev gave up on his shower because the water was too cold. Smelly git.
08:30
Amongst a frenzy of “thank you”s and “ta”s from the owners we tucked into a hearty English Breakfast.
09:30
Left for Haverthwaite to strut our funky stuff on the Lakeside Railway. The weather was still overcast and cold but at least it wasn’t raining.
09:55
Arrived at Haverthwaite station where we took photos of steam locos. Trev boldly asked a woman if she’d mind taking a photo of the four of us together. From then on funny looks were in our direction. People were just jealous that’s all.
10:40
By steam train to Lakeside then by steam boat, ‘The Swan’, across Lake Windermere to Bowness. It was now starting to rain slightly which gave Trev the excuse to buy a new, technicolor brolly. As we wandered the streets inspecting the souvenir shops Linda caught herself up in some bunting and dragged it several yards down the High Street before she notice. Oh we laughed.
13:45
Catching the steam boat back to Windermere we caught a glimpse of the mysterious “flying plane” on Lake Windermere. It was, of course, a flying BOAT. Indeed, a Short Sunderland flying boat, nay the LAST Short Sunderland flying boat in airworthy condition.
Joy was without her distinctive umbrella which she had left on the train. Some thoughtful soul had handed it in at the ‘lost property’ office so she ended up a happy Fart once more. Trev decided that Haverthwaite sounded like someone with a speech impediment saying “have a sweet”. We laughed again. We needed to be careful of this excessive mirth. After a cup of tea and a bun at the station cafe we returned to the B&B to get Trev’s jumper and Clive’s Walkman and speakers so we could listen to some bostin’ toons in the car.
15:55
Set off for Brantwood House. It was pouring with rain but we did our utmost to be optimistic.
16:20
Arrived at Brantwood House, home of John Ruskin the 19th Century painter, writer, social reformer and all round interesting poppet.
17:30
Left Brantwood in the pouring rain to return to Outgate for a freshen up. Clive and Trev entertained the gals with their stunning interpretation of Perry Como’s ‘Catch A Falling Star’.
18:55
Went to ‘The Outgate’ for for dinner again. It was very packed that night as there was a tv on the go so the locals could watch the World Cup. Trevor had the pee taken by the barmaid over the bowl of chips incident the previous night. Despite our best endeavours we laughed once again. We didn’t stay as long what with the mounting excitement and fevered behaviour over the impending televisual presentation of the England v Camaroon match.
Clive watched the footie at the B&B whilst Trev took the gals on a hair-raising drive. This involved a drive to Ambleside where Trev got very confused and ended up facing the oncoming traffic. It got worse. We drove up a steep but very pretty road known locally as ‘The Struggle’. It was. The poor car kept stalling and it was not the easiest of roads to do hill-starts upon. With much relaxing of knuckles (and other parts) we arrived at Kirkstone Pass and drove down towards Ullswater before returning to the B&B by a slightly less buttock-clenching route.
Poor Linda: she had put her rain-mack on that morning and hadn’t had it off since.
MONDAY 02.07.90
09:15
After many “thank you”s we left the B&B to see some more scenery. The weather was now looking much more promising.
09:20
Stopped by the river at Skelwith Bridge to take some photos. It looks much nicer in bright sunlight. Unlike Trev.
10:05
Another photocall at Castlerigg stone circle.
11:00
Stopped at the very pretty Grange Bridge for photos.
A game of Pooh-Sticks occurred and Trev took it upon himself to unintentionally throw a large stone at Joy. He missed.
11:20
Yet more photo opportunities on the Honister Pass. Linda took a very fetching photo of Trev and some sheep droppings.
Joy the human tripod??
11:30
Stopped outside Buttermere and went for a beautiful walk down to the even more beautiful Crummock Water. It was one of the rapidly dwindling number of places where one could escape from the sound of humans and their infernal combustion engines.
13:10
A very foolish buffoon chose to walk out in front of our speeding chariot in a reckless fashion. Trev gave him a sharp blast on the windscreen wipers.
13:20
Stopped at ‘The Park Head’ pub near Thornhill for a drink and a snack. Linda left her mark in the loo by pulling the hand towel off of it’s holder.
14:00
Passed Sellafield Nuclear Power Station. Very quickly.
14:30
Started the climb up the Hardknot Pass having passed through the delightful settlement of Boot. We are actually talking a bit steep here with the gradients averaging 1:3. We paused at the 1800 year old ruins of the Roman fort of Mediobogdunum. The views were breathtaking. Or was it just that the wind was a trifle violent?
15:10
Back on the “road” which continued sharply skywards before plunging down towards the Wrynose Pass which was a doddle by comparison. As the weather was so much better than yesterday we decided to have a go at capturing the views of Coniston Water on celluloid. Then onwards to Tarn Hows for more heavy-impact scenery.
Tarn Hows
17:00
Back at the B&B. We went for a stroll down to Esthwaite Water and took yet more photos.
19:00
Went to ‘The Drunken Duck’ for dinner. Before entering we boosted Supersnaps profits yet again by taking more photos of the pub itself and the surrounding views. Once we entered the pub we were distressed to discover that there was nowhere to park our delicate posteriors. To our further concern we could not find the slightest morsel on the menu to satisfy our gastric desires so we buggered off to Ambleside instead. We eventually found solace at ‘The Churchill Inn’.
Looking towards Ambleside from outside of Westerdale
10:00ish
Back at the B&B. We spent the rest of the evening packing for our departure at the crack of dawn.
TUESDAY 03.07.90
09:30
533 miles on the clock and we’re ready to Fart.
11:15
“Och Aye” and other such patronising remarks as we crossed the border.
11:25
Black clouds… more passing showers?
11:55
Hell’s Teeth! We missed our junction on the A74. We decided to carry onto the next one only to discover that was just outside Oslo. We decided to travel cross-country via Dumfries ’cause Wee Trev wanted to show everyone the delights of Loch Trool and the remote little cafe near Straiton whose Scotch Pancakes he had sampled with much delight way back in those anarchic, Mohican and bondage-trouser clad days of 1977.
12:43
We had a competition to see who could make their Murray Mint last the longest. Joy won at 15 minutes. To pass the time we then made up raps about ourselves such as;
My name is Trev
I’m from the BBC
I work for Studio Facilities
I book you your rooms
For rehearsing and a dressin’
Don’t give me no grief
Cause it’s w’Trev you’re messin’
and, best of all…
My name is Linda
And I work in banking
When I wear my see-through mack
It starts Trevor w******
14:15
We arrived at Loch Trool. Oh there is so much we could say about Loch Trool but most of it would have to be censored. When Trev went there 12 years previous he completed ‘The Loch Trool Forest Trail’, an extremely nice, four mile walk around the Loch. Thinking this would be a pleasant diversion during the trip up to Glasgow the ginger one lead his fellow Farties on a quest to follow in the footsteps of his earlier self. Somewhere on route we took a wrong turn and found ourselves on the Southern Upland Way and was only suitable for experienced walkers with sensible clothing, sturdy boots and hairy calves. When we got to the other end we saw a Police Notice advising walkers to leave details of their next-of-kin with the warden at Caldon’s Camp Site before attempting the walk. Oops. Trev treated his companions to fizzy drinks and crisps. It was either that or they beat seven shades out of him.
Linda watches Trev fly over Loch Trool and disappear over the horizon after she had adminstered a swift kick to his lilly-white butt.
Bruce’s Stone. “Alright my love?”
19:30
Stopped at Kirkton Jean’s Coaching Inn at Kirkoswald for dinner and sympathy.
20:25
Finally arrived at “The Alamo” guest house, 46 Gray Street in the Kelvingrove area of Glasgow where we were greeted with “…when are you going?”
WEDNESDAY 04.07.90
Quite funny: Joy’s squeaked; Trev’s had a hole in it and Linda had a lump in hers. Only Clive’s bed was without character.
08:00
A very slippery breakfast with odd eggs but plenty of bacon. The gentleman half of a Scots couple at another table decided to have a loud moan about the English. Hey, we’re English but, as far as we were aware, none of us were responsible for horrors of the aftermath of Culloden and the Highland clearances, nor the recent with the Poll Tax ‘try-out’ in Scotland.
09:15
Time to hit Glasgow. This year Glasgow was designated ‘City Of Culture’ and having us about can only have improved the city’s worthiness to this claim. We walked through Kelvinbridge Park to the tube station and travelled to Buchanan Street. We walked down to the Enoch Centre (which made Reading’s ‘Broad Street Mall’ look like a market stall) and reached St Andrew’s Roman Catholic Cathedral which provided the first embarrassment of the day. Clive wanted some photos so in we shimmied only to find ourselves in the middle of a service. Linda managed to escape and watched helpless from the other side of the doors which resisted Clive’s attempts to open them (he pushed when he should have pulled which resulted in a loud BANG that probably awoke the residents of the crypt). We’re pretty sure the Pope would have bust a gut laughing. Probably.
St Andrews Cathedral
Having taken some photos by the River Clyde we walked up Hope Street and Regent Street where Clive, Joy and Linda took photos of Trev as he posed with a Police Telephone Box. The locals looked on despairingly.
By now the ‘passing shower’ was getting on our chest bumps. We walked up and down Sauchiehall Street looking at the shops. Having taken a shine to some goodies in a cake shop window Joy rushed over to the others exclaiming; “there are some lovely tarts over there!”. The others turned to see two old ladies loitering outside the said shop. It’s very probable that we laughed at this point.
Walking down Renfied Street and Union Street we were soon back in Buchanan Street. By this time we had put blinkers on Joy who had been having a shopping frenzy. The blinkers fell off when we got to Princes Square Centre.
In the early evening we went to the Cannon Cinema in Renfield Street to see ‘Nuns On The Run’ which we all enjoyed. Once again our thoughts turned to food which we found in abundance in ‘Chicago Meat Packers’ in Hope Street where Joy insulted Stuart and John the waiters and Trev was accosted by a big, black chap who insisted on shaking his hand and calling him “brother”. Trev made a note to have a serious chat with his mother when he returned.
We took a taxi back to the B&B. It chose not to stay the night however and left after a coffee. The weather had been like us all day: wet and windy.
THURSDAY 05.07.90
All except Clive declined the bacon and egg that morning.
09:20
831 miles on the clock and we were all packed up and ready to go. The weather was dry but more rain was promised. We really missed not having any music in the car and tried a couple of places in Glasgow to get the stereo fixed but to no avail.
09:55
We left Glasgow for Edinburgh.
10:50
Stopped at Kwik-Fit on the outskirts of Edinburgh to get the exhaust checked as Trev was a bit concerned by the noise it was making.
11:20
Arrived in Edinburgh city centre and found a car park. We visited the castle which was being prepared for the Tattoo and then strolled down Princes Street where we took in some shops. High drama back at the car park: Linda dropped her handbag; Joy had trouble with an untold in a contact lens and Trev left the car keys on it’s roof.
Edinburgh Castle
Princes Street Gardens
16:05
Left the city for Leith to find ‘The Camore’ B&B in Links Place, Leith overlooking Claremont Park. We were shown to our rooms: Joy and Linda took the huge family room whilst Trev and Clive got the room upstairs.
18:00
Having tarted ourselves up we set off on foot to find somewhere georgeous to eat. We walked down to the docks and peered through the windows of various eating establishments to see if they looked suitable for connoisseurs such as ourselves. As we perused Trev was approached by a woman of ill repute and even iller dress sense.
We ventured into several pubs for drinks and to check out the possibility of eating but with no luck. We decided to continue in this vein no longer as we’d be too drunk to eat. We finally set our sights on the ‘The Raj’ restaurant. This was after Trev took everyone on a short cut through such tourist delights as abandoned warehouses and decrepit tenement blocks.
Once inside the restaurant we all declined to give up our coats. Clive then changed his mind but only after he had extracted his wallet from the pocket. Linda’s seat was a bit messy and with an unprecedented display of force and decisiveness, she asked for it to be changed for another one.
Trev had been making the most of not having to drive, was rather pished already and had already “syphoned the python” on no less than three occasions. When he wasn’t “pointing Percy at the porcelain” he was eating a Chicken Korma which he didn’t really enjoy because it was on the milder side of mild. Linda and Joy were daringly different and had Chicken ala Bangla. We were all bit hot in the gullet afterwards and had mint ice-cream with chocolate sauce and cream. We could feel those inches piling on.
We walked back to the B&B and gathered in the lad’s room for an exotic footware polishing session with Trev’s handy footware polishing kit.
FRIDAY 06.07.90: Deathwish II
(in which Trev continued to cross the road regardless of the little red man vigorously flashing at him resulting in him and his colleagues narrowly avoiding being squished to death by various forms of road transport)
08:30
Breakfast at ‘The Camore’ was much better than that at ‘The Alamo’ but was rather surreal (cereal?); Joy had two eggs; both the gals had two halves of tomato whilst the lads only had one half each. Clive had no knife and fork, NO ONE had any butter until Linda asked for some, Joy had to ask for ketchup and we had to borrow the marmalade from another table only to find it was LEMON marmalade and not the regular that we were expecting. We were appalled. Some of us even went “tut” whilst at least one of us rolled their eyes.
CLIVE WISHED IT TO BE POINTED OUT THAT HE ALWAYS GAVE HIS TOMATOES TO JOY
The weather was wonderfully wonderful with hardly a cloud in the sky nor anywhere else for that matter. For only the second time in the holiday Linda stepped out without her rainmack. Trev looked resplendent in his bold check trews whilst Joy cut a dash in her flarey, flowery strides. Linda and Clive wore an embarrassed expression.
Strolling along Princes Street, Linda finally took the plunge and bought a couple of brooches; some miniature bottles of whiskey (for some miniature friends) and a scarf. Not to be undone, at least not in public, Clive purchased some preserve whilst Trev bought a book (‘The Dark Is Rising Sequence’ by Susan Cooper) and some jelly-beans. The purchase of the day, nay, of the holiday, had to be Joy’s ‘Spitting Image’ slippers in the fashion of the HRH and Phil The Greek.
Having ‘done’ the Castle Trevor and the gals went to explore the Camera Obscura. Clive chose this moment to be at one with himself and who can blame him? The Obscura contained a collection of pin-hole cameras, old photos of the city and some very impressive holograms. From the top of the tower we could see, with our eyes, some very impressive views of the city and of Clive’s head. So engrossed was she in obtaining some celluloid souvenirs of the view, Joy failed to notice Trev and Linda slip into the Obscura itself. Therein light was focused onto a white, circular table to show ‘live’ pictures of the city from the top of the tower without the use of any cameras. Joy secured a place in the next demonstration whilst Trev and Linda took their photos. Trev wanted to go in again as he was smitten with the Scots accent of the bloke chap the tour. We’re talking a Scottish Tom Baker if you will.
Joy’s party had contained a very strange lady who kept complaining that she couldn’t see anything. As Trev and the gals began their descent from the tower they began to discuss, with a young couple, the many and varied personality faults of this silly moo only to suddenly realise that the object of their derision was in front of them. Oops.
Meeting Mr Clive outside the Obscura we had an wander around olde Edinburgh and saw ‘Greyfriars Bobby’ before heading off to investigate St James Shopping Centre.
Despite violent protestations from our legular appendages we traipsed up Carlton Hill to the old observatory and monument for yet more photos of the city. The monument was, in fact, Nelson’s Monument and a mighty tall erection it was too. Having walked up more stairs to get to the monument we climbed up the tower’s never ending spiral staircase on Trev’s assurances that “it will be worth it when we get to the top”
As we waited at the bus stop for the C3 conveyance back to Leith, Trev caused a stir by playing with the change in his pocket. When the bus arrived Trev moved keenly forward, his hard-earned cash shining in his hand only to find that the driver would not open the door. From further down the queue came Joy’s voice: “I think the driver’s just letting off”. Now we could let some flatulent innuendo like that pass without laughing could we?
We collected our conveyance from Mr Smith at the garage and drove off accompanied by some funky vibes on the car stereo.
Trev: “It’s worth paying £18.40 just to be able to hear my new Marc Almond cassette again”
The others: “**sigh**”
Back to the B&B to write up the holiday log and relax. Joy experimented with her new slippers.
17:15
Left in search of food. As we drove away Linda noticed that the front door of the B&B was open. Clive, having been elected Door Monitor at that very moment leapt out of the car and ‘put wood in ‘ole’.
We drove back towards the city looking for fish and chips or something equally lavish. We parked near a tropical fish shop and this is where Joy assumed we were going to eat. Oh we laughed so. Eventually finding a chippie we were distressed to find that it was a take-away only. Next door, however, was a very un-exotic eatery called ‘The Vittoria’ where we could sit and eat until our stomachs content. Despite the waitress being really, rather choice Linda’s hot chocolate failed to materialise with the other drinks but she was assured that it would arrive with the main course. Trev’s extra chips didn’t arrive until he was halfway through his pizza . We all considered ordering the chocolate sundaes but decided that we couldn’t wait until then for them to turn up. Clive ordered three flavours of ice-cream and wondered if they would all turn up at once.
Our stomachs satisfied we drove to Arthur’s Seat in Holyrood Park in the hope of more picturesque views of the city. We all took lots of photos with Joy leading us across the park until Clive decided that she was better off lagging behind.
Returning to Leith we walked to a very memorable pub. In fact, it was so memorable that we’ve forgotten what it was called. We spake of many things that cool, July evening: religion (always good for a laugh after a few beers); ghosts, reincarnation; the occult; the supernatural; midget gems etc. Feeling much uplifted we walked, very quickly, back to the B&B through the darkness of the local park trying not to think about the the strange man with the piercing eyes who had been staring at us in the pub all evening.
SATURDAY 07.07.90
08:30
Breakfast: only one tomato each and still no butter knife! What would the Daily Mail say?!
09:15
Lots of drizzle as we left for the Highlands with Trev’s Samba laden with all our purchases. Stopped at a local Clydesdale Bank for Linda and Clive to make a withdrawal. Clive was unsuccessful and Linda dropped her change over the pavement in the general excitement.
09:50
Over the Forth Road Bridge. We were worried about what happened to the other three.
10:20
Entered Perth.
10:35
Stopped at the Caithness Glass Centre where Linda took a plunge. Fortunately it was only into the shop to buy a paperweight. We took advantage of the cafe for a “light” snack.
11:35
On the road again.
11:36
Remembered to get back into the car.
12:20
1000 miles on the clock. It was now pouring with rain and the hills were obscured by low cloud which made everything look rather creepy.
12:45
Stopped at Dalwinnie which seemed to consist of simply a cafe and it’s car park. Joy desperately wanted to ‘go’ so we thought we might as well use this as an excuse for another cuppa. As we walked into the cafe we saw a notice requesting us to part with something extortionate before we could proceed any further. Proceed further we did not.
14:05
Tea and a bun in Invergarry.
14:35
On the road again and Trev reckons he knows where he’s going.
15:30
SUNSHINE!
15:35
RAIN!
15:40
Arrived at Balmacara Holiday Homes to find a message “… key under mat”. We rushed in and bolted the door very quickly as three sheep seemed to have taken a shine to Trev.
We were all very pleased with the chalet and knew that we were not going to be at all pleased about leaving at the end of the week. The view from the windows was of the Isle of Skye across Loch Alsh. Luvverly.
Having relieved the car of all the luggage we had a high powered conference regarding essential shopping. Eventually agreeing on the definition of “essential” we set off for the local shop, Macrae Jones Stores, only forgetting the bread which Clive returned for. With mugs of something hot and a Hob-Nob each we relaxed in front of the tele watching a very depressing weather report and an equally depressing edition of ‘That’s Show Business’.
18:00
Walked across to the local Hotel but found the food was too expensive and the pub was not serving anything edible other than crisps and pork scratchings. Back to the car and off to Kyle of Lochalsh for sustenance.
Kyle was awash with gift shops. Clive had come to the conclusion that he was on holiday with a group of postcard junkies. Eventually finding somewhere cheapish to eat, Clive ordered his usual pint of heavy which the waiter proceeded to spill over Linda.
We returned to the chalet for showers and ‘small’ washing. Great fun was had trying to hang soggy undergarments over a clothes horse in the lounge. Clive didn’t join in the exercise as, he informed us, he has a large under-ware collection. Yep, we laughed. Instead he busied himself by spilling milk over the kitchen floor and putting the willies up us all by convincing us that a rock in the Loch was a shark of Spielberg proportions.
Ever one for a knicker fetish, Trev took a photo of clothes-horse which was now well hung with moist knickers. Bugger only knows what Supersnaps will make of it.
Much satisfied after a rub down in the shower, Joy decided to let Linda have a go.
It was now that we all began to have problems with our water. Either there was no hot or there was no cold and it was only a matter of time before there was none at all. We retired to the lounge to ponder our dilemma over more tea and Hob-Nobs whilst watching ‘Miss Marple’. Heaven knows who let her in and we wondered how long it would be before one of us was discovered horribly suffocated by a face full of wet knickers. We prepared to retire to bed but found, to our immense inconvenience, that our convenience wouldn’t flush. Just what mystical, unearthly force had been interfering with our plumbing? What is more, was it the same mystical, unearthly force that rendered the car stereo buggered?
23:15
Trev stupidly, I meanbravely ventured forth into the windswept, rain filled darkness that was Balmacara to phone Mrs Una McDowd alias ‘The Caretaker’. It seemed that there had been an airlock in the system a couple of weeks ago and that it had yet to return to wherever airlocks go when they’re not blocking things. “The plumber shalt return on the morrow” decreed Mrs McDowd. Everyone retired to bed and wondered it Trev, who was sleeping in the lounge on the sofa bed, was trying on the damp knickers.
SUNDAY 08.07.90
We all awoke to the sound of the wind and rain lashing against the windows.
Trev almost broke the blind.
Joy yanked a knob off. Fortunately just the one on her wardrobe.
Clive sneezed.
With ever mounting excitement we awaited to see what display of clumsiness would affect Linda.
09:00
Breakfast (being Rice Crispies and toast).
We had decided that after a week of fried breakfasts we should stick to healthier options from now on. At least for breakfast anyway. To our dismay we found that the under-ware was still wet. We’ll just have to go without today.
Trev phoned the caretaker again and was told to leave the key under the front door mat so that the plumber could make good his entrance.
10:00
Out of water again. We loafed about (with Joy doing a spectacular impression of a wholemeal thick-sliced) and wondered what to do. Trev suggested that we could all write poetry and be generally artistic (well, he does work for the BBC) as the view through the French windows was very inspiring although not of France. A couple of attempts were made at limericks but they were worse than appalling.
10:15
The sun peeped wearily through the duvet like clouds (he works for the BBC AND he’s typing up the log!) so we decided to venture out only to find the conditions still wet and windy. We drove along the A890 north to Achnasheen, the A832 to Kinlochewe and back along the A896 through Torridon and Glenshieldaig Forest where we all performed a highly illegal act by picking a few bits of heather. We made a detour to Strome Castle which was the scene for an amusing little anecdote involving a man; a hat; a lady; a camera; a gust of wind and no more hat. We tittered with such ferocity that they surely heard us.
Strome Castle
We returned to the chalet to find Mrs McDowd with the plumber. Well, not WITH the plumber you understand. It was too wet to hang around so we sat around instead with tea and Hob-Nobs until they had finished. It transpired that we had an air-blockage in the water supply to the bathroom. Our plumbing was now fully functioning but the water produced was still very brown.
16:00
Set off for Eileen Donan castle which was about 5 miles away. The continuing wind and rain rather spoilt the view of the castle which had been the setting for, amongst other things, ‘The Eagle’s Nest’ episode of ‘The New Avengers’ and the film ‘Highlander’. After securing more photos and some postcards we legged it back to the car as fast as our shapely legs could carry us because the heavens opened.
The chalet
More tea and Hob-Nobs
Trev washed his hair
18:00
Dinner was a lavish affair which left us with precious little time for food. We then took ourselves off to ‘Robin’s Nest” (a restaurant at Dornie just west of Eileen Donan) to satisfy our tums. Despite sharing a name with the the 1970s’ sitcom there was no sign of Richard O’Sullivan, Tessa Wyatt or that Irish chap with one arm. Once again Lentil Soup was ‘Soup of the Day’.
As it was as stormy as as stormy night could be without being referred to as a hurricane, we decided to stay in and play cards. We attempted ‘Cheat’ first but Linda was none too enamoured so we tried ‘Gin Rummy’. This proved more absorbing but took Trev, with his limited grasp of things new, some time to fathom. It wasn’t long before he and Clive had their butts whipped by the gals. Anyway, back to the game which was eventually won hands down, up or somewhere by Joy.
As Linda, Joy and Clive slept in their respective, upstairs pits they wondered if Trevor might float away on the sofa bed as the tide was rather high (as Deborah Harry once pointed out in a rather agreeable manner) and was getting closer and closer to the French windows (which she totally failed to notice at all).
MONDAY 09.07.90
Linda was caught feeding the remains of her breakfast to some feathered acquaintances and earned herself the nickname ‘ The Birdwoman Of Balmacara’. One of the most traumatic moments of the holiday occurred shortly after when we realised that we had run out of loo-paper AND the under-ware was still damp.
09:15
We left for Loch Ness. Very wet, very cold and very windy. The weather, however, was not as bad as yesterday. On the way we listened to Linda’s Africa Bambata tape. You could almost imagine the rhinos massing in the heather.
10:30
We passed Loch Ness. Must have been something to do with all that tea we drank last night.
10:45
Stopped at Urqhuart Castle for a frolic what with there being a dry spell and all that. We walked around. We walked around some more. Joy did her best impression of a neurotic ‘Doctor Who’ girl when she thought that a waxwork in the castle dungeon was real: she screamed. We laughed. We heard bagpipes emanating from the direction of the car park where a lone piper collected money from gullible tourists. Trev had to radically alter the outer dimensions of the Samba to effect a dematerialisation from the car park (a coach had blocked him in). Still no monster although Clive offered to show us one if we were really desperate.
11:40
Arrived at the Loch Ness Visitor Centre, Drumnadochit. Linda and Trev splashed out £2 each to see a film about the mysteries of the Loch. After a nibble in the restaurant we left the Centre and gasp in astonishment at the sight before us: the sun was out.
13:30
On the road.
13:31
Stopped to consult road map.
13:32
Turned the car around.
13:40
Here comes the rain again (as Annie Lennox might say).
14:40
As we approached Inverness the rain ceased. It was obviously just another one of those ‘passing showers’ that occurred with such regularity they they overlapped.
14:45
Parked in Milburn Road and went for a lengthy walk around the shops and the museum.
Inverness Castle
Inverness Cathedral
17:00
Had dinner at ‘Garfunkle’s’ restaurant. There was no sign of Art or Paul Simon but the woman serving us seemed to have the look of Eva Braun about her.
18:45
Began the long drive back to Balmacara.
19:45
Stopped to take photos of a very spectacular rainbow that had appeared at our rear. As we drove off into the sunset we listened to the tape of kiddies TV themes that Trev had cautiously bought in a ‘bargain bucket’ in Inverness. It contained such gems as ‘Hattie Town’, ‘Jackanory’ and the most ‘happening’ version of ‘Doctor Who’ that you have ever had the misfortune to hear.
21:00
The kettle was on even before we had got through the front door.
21:30
The weather looked promising tomorrow so we duly decided to venture “over the sea t’ Skye”. If it’s raining we’d go over the road t’shops.
TUESDAY 10.07.90
09:15
Left for Skye via the Kyle of Lochalsh to Kylekin ferry. T’was a bargain at £1 each, single.
10:45
Stopped to take some photos near Staffin before driving up to the spectacular Quirang which gave us very gloomy and atmospheric views of the spectacular landscape.
Trev capturing Raasay for posterity
Joy bends over for the Old Man of Storr. Nice.
The Quirang
11:45
Visited the Skye Museum of Island Life during which time the sun came out and gave us one of the sunniest days since we had arrived in Scotland.
12:20
On the road again.
12:25
Trev took evasive action to avoid the manic sheep that threw itself infront of the car.
12:30
Walked the long, gravel path up to Duntulm Castle and, braving the wind, we took in the glorious views across the sea to the Western Isles. The sheep were not very photogenic but were very prolific in the dung department. There were piles of it everywhere. Joy found a piece of discarded wool big enough to make a jumper out of.
12:50
We want a tea room!
Stopped at the Crofts Shop and Croft’s Tea Room for lunch. Would you believe it was Lentil day on the Planet Soup again? The poor waitress looked uncomfortable when we laughed.
14:30
Arrived at Dunvegan Castle. Despite being pert of buttock we were also tight of fist so decided not to enter the castle itself at £3 a head. The gardens were stunning though and a bargain at £1.50 each. The were even more beautiful and exotic than us. I know, hard to believe isn’t it? Many colourful plants and a couple of waterfalls resided within. Those of us with dangly bits froze them off when we went for a boat trip to a seal colony. Everyone apart from Trev got wet. Indeed, Joy and Linda found themselves with undergarments as damp as those that were currently residing on the clothes horse back in the chalet. After we had thawed out we hit the gift shop where the bottles of Columba Cream proved to be very acceptable indeed.
Dunvegan Castle and it’s gardens…
16:25
Back to the car for a leisurely return to Kylekin.
18:00
Cows on road! One of them takes a fancy to the Samba’s one and only wing-mirror.
18:10
Another rainbow.
18:20
Stopped at the “Claymore” pub in Broadford for dinner. No prizes for guessing what the soup of the day was… HOT sweet was Black Forest Gateaux. With custard maybe?
20:05
Got to the ferry with minutes to spare.
20:10
Had a wander around Kyle of Lochalsh whilst Clive phoned home to see if he had passed his HNC. He had. Just as well one of us has some brains.
The Skye ferry leaving Kyle of Lochalsh for Kyleakin
21:25
Clive offered to buy everyone a beer to celebrate his success but all Linda wanted to do was stick a hair-dryer up her bum.
21:45
Tea, sympathy and a sofa
23:00
“Time for bed” said Zebedee.
WEDNESDAY 11.07.90
The Rice Crispies were getting low and it was getting silly counting them out equally. Clive was despatched to obtain some more.
The chalets
… and the view therefrom
09:15
We were off to Ben Nevis.
11:00
Stopped for a wander around Fort William. Having explored the shops we gave in to an early lunch.
12:10
Left Fort Willie for Glen Nevis which turned out to be really very lovely despite the mist. The narrow road through the glen seemed to go an eternity. Eternity was the start of a footpath which took one up Ben Nevis. A lovely chap by all accounts.
13:15
On the way back through the glen we stopped to take photos of some Highland cattle in the middle of a boggy field. ‘Big Mamma Cow’ looked like she was going to charge…
13:30
Arrived at the Nevis Range hoping to take a cable car up to the mountains which promised views as far away as very far indeed. The place was closed however due to high winds at the summit so we left after making the most of the nice loos.
Joy made a friend.
Linda found a beret.
14:35
Arrived at Glenfinnan Visitors Centre just in time to too a vintage steam engine and train appear on the famous viaduct. Once again the rain lashed down and we fled to the shop which provided us with more postcards. When the clouds had rained themselves dry we were able to investigate the monument and the Loch. Clive threatened Trev with a loaded umbrella: “we want to go somewhere sunny!”
Preserved LNER K2 locomotive hauling ‘The Jacobite’ across Glenfinnan viaduct
Glenfinnan monument
15:25
Left Glenfinnan
16:30
Stopped at Fort Augustus on the River Ness. We looked around for the old abbey only to find that it was now a school. We eventually found ourselves somewhere to eat. It was a bit grotty and the staff weren’t very friendly. The starters appeared after the main course, Linda’s pie looked like it had been sat on and Trev’s chicken still had a feather in it. He left a wee note on his plate advising “this chicken needed a good plucking!”
Clive absolutely refused to look around any more gift shops so we headed back to the chalet stopping along the way near the Cluanie Dam for the gals to indulge in illegal picking again.
18:10
As it was still so early we decided to get some drinks and nibbles from the shop and have another game of cards. Later that evening Trev took some scary photos of us all with assorted knickers, socks, kitchen appliances, Mickey-Mouse jim-jams, a rain mack and a tub of Vaseline. We suspected that Supersnaps would probably call the police..
Clive had named Joy and Linda ‘The Gift Shop Girls’:
I’ve got the shortbread,
You’ve got the whiskey,
Let’s buy some more postcards
THURSDAY 12.07.90
09:00
Set off for the Isle of Mull via Skye.
10:20
Arrived at Armadale for the ferry to Mallaig only to find that the fare is £18 single and that the next one isn’t until 12.00. With our tails between our legs we took the scenic route back to the ferry back to Kyle of Lochalsh (via Tarskavaig, Tokavaig and Ord) and returned to the chalet for lunch which consisted of toast, cakes and baked beans but not necessarily in that order.
13:40
Having checked the that cable cars were running today we decided to have another crack at the Nevis Range.
15:30
Stopped at Fort Willie to rob a bank.
16:00
Arrived, for the second time, at the Nevis Range. We got to the top expecting to be able to see the Tilehurst water tower in Reading but could only just make out each other because of the mist. Having gorged ourselves in the restaurant we returned to our trusty steed for the long journey back to Balmacara.
18:10
Stopped at Ardochy Forest for photos of the views.
18:31
After feeding the car with petrol we fed ourselves in the Cluanie Inn which was really rather quite nice and cheap to boot.
19:30
As the sun was shining down upon us with that cheeky little smile of hers we decided to explore the lane off the main road at Sheil Bridge and over the Ratagan pass. Unfortunately there were midges everywhere (the first time we’d had any trouble with them) and whenever we opened the doors to get out they got in. The sheep were settling down the the night with their lambs and we made a pathetic attempt to kidnap one to take home with us.
‘The Five Sisters Of Kintail’ from the Ratagan Pass
We followed the road through Glenelg and up as far as the Pictish Brochs before heading back as the sun had elected to go and shine upon other parts of the world.
22:35
Tea. Biscuits. Bed.
FRIDAY 13.07.90
Can you Adam and Eve it?? The Bitch of a Sun was beaming down upon us like there was no tomorrow which, for us, was indeed the case.
View from the chalet
09:15
Off to Mull… our second attempt. We stopped shortly afterwards to take some photos of the views near the Cluanie Dam just to prove that we did have SOME nice weather on holiday.
Cluanie Lodge
10:15
Stopped to photographs of Highland cows bonking at Loch Oich.
12:00
Still sat-sitting in the car and on the road which, although it was still of the ‘A’ variety, was now little more of a track with lots of cows and sheep sitting on it.
12:30
Stopped in Strontian where we found a small shop and, more importantly, TOILETS!
Had microwaved burgers.
Threw up.
After a micklemote we decided that by any stretch of the imagination we had ‘Norfolk Enchance’ of getting to Mull and still have time to do anything. It was decreed that we should go to Somewhere Else.
13:30
Trev had left his camera bag under the chair outside the shop and a car door open. Buffoon.
14:30
Stopped to take photos of views whilst Linda chased sheep.
15:25
After a very pretty drive we arrived at Somewhere Else which turned out to be Mallaig.
We ventured forth unto the Royal Bank Of Scotland to have some Scottish notes changed back into English monies in preparation for our impending departure. The cashier was non-too pleased about the situation and confused us all by saying “it’s not another country you know!”
As we indulged in tea and cakes we decided to take the short cut back to Balmacara. This involved getting the ferry to Armadale on Skye and thence the Kyle ferry from Kyleakin. Deciding we could just make the 16:30 (it was now 16:20!) we duly paid out £7 each but were given no promise that there would be room for us and that we may have to wait for the next ferry which was at 19:00. As it turned out there was plenty of room for our vehicle but we failed to depart until 17:30. Clive and the gals watched as Trev, one of the last drivers to board, drove our steed onto the car-lift and disappeared into the bowels of the ship. The weather was now warm and clear and we all enjoyed a beautifully smooth passage. So to speak.
17:55
Arrived at Armadale on Skye where we had to wait in the car for ten minutes before we could disembark.
18:45
Stopped at ‘The Crofter’s Kitchen’ at Kyleakin for dinner. The chaps threw caution to the wind and had Haggis for starters. Linda had a Stapag. You can get pills for that though. We spoilt ourselves in the restaurant by buying more postcards, sweatshirts, t-shirts etc.
20:20
Left for the ferry which we just managed to catch.
20:40
Took the scenic ‘old road’ back to Balmacara and many snaps were taken of the sunset. Clive disturbed the peace by sneezing.
20:55
Sunset over Balmacara. We arrived back at the chalet and went for a walk along the beach where we found a lot of stranded jelly fish and crabs. The tide turned and started to encroach upon us so we retreated to the chalet for tea and biscuits before starting to pack. You know we were very sad to be going.
SATURDAY 14.07.90
Had breakfast of tea and biscuits, paid the electrickery bill and tidied the place up. Packing the car was a bit like a jig-saw but we managed.
09:00
Having filled up with petrol we began the long journey to York. Shortly after we stopped to take pictures of Eileen Donan one last time. Well, we’d not see it in the sunshine before. We drove through beautiful Glen Shiel in the shadow of the Five Sisters of Kintail for one last time. There just weren’t the words.
10:30
Stopped at the ‘Little Chef’ at Spean Bridge for the mother of all breakfasts.
11:10
On the road again.
13:15
Made a return visit to the Caithness Glass Centre for loos and cups of tea.
14:15
Stopped at the Forth Bridge for a photo session before driving through Edinburgh for the last time which made Trev even more glum.
15:55
Having finally made it to a dual carriageway Trev decided that he wanted a wee. Everyone else was OK although Clive predicted that he would need a ‘sit-me-down’ soon. We’re the Farties, we share these things with each other.
16:10
We entered Northumberland apparently in the middle of a Grand Prix. Perhaps that should be Grand Pricks because there seemed to be alot of people on the road with a death-wish.
16:30
Trev watered and Clive ‘sat-down’. We nearly died on several occasions as people insisted on overtaking into our path. This resulted in much horn-blowing and finger gesturing by the four of us.
17:25
Well we certainly boosted ‘Little Chef’s’ profits today: we stopped at another 12 miles north of Newcastle for dinner.
18:50
Back on the road.
19:20
Traffic ground to a halt on the motorway after a nasty accident.
21:00
Arrived in York. It didn’t take us too long to find the ‘Glenville Guest House’ at 132 East Parade. Trev had been driving for 12 hours and was “fair shagged”. Deciding that it would be prudent to have a sit-me-down in the loo before ‘retiring to Bedfordshire’ the ginger one made his way to one of the toilets in the B&B which had no en-suites in our case. He forgot to lock the door and in walked Joy to be confronted by her holiday companion with his kit around his ankles and a piece of toilet paper in a paw. Further upset was prevented by the fact that he was wearing a t-shirt of generous size.
Just before he stripped for bed Trev remembered that he had left something in the car. As he returned to the B&B he bumped into his fellow Farties who were exiting the same. They assured him that they were merely off to the local shop for provisions and that the thought of heading off to paint the city red hadn’t even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing their minds.
22:00
To bed. Well, Trev did anyway.
SUNDAY 15.07.90: The Final Chapter
08:30
Had breakfast which was very nice indeed. Having paid the bill and been given parking advice by our hosts we hit York.
We wandered and wandered and wondered around the city looking for a cashpoint for Clive who had run out of dosh again. Once he was solvent we visited ‘The Shambles’ where we bought our final postcards. York Minster was next on the itinerary followed by the Railway Museum. After doing the locomotion we stopped for a bevy in a pub before returning to the Minster. We didn’t get in earlier as there was as service going on and we were still in trauma after what happened in Glasgow.
The Minster was very beautiful although there were some strange statues of bishops in very camp positions. Having had a Sunday roast in yet another pub we went to York Castle Museum which was very impressive. We could have stayed all day but out time was running out.
16:40
Left York. The car was very uncomfortable to be in after it had been sitting in the sun all day. Trev had a headache and could feel yesterdays mammoth drive catching up on him. Clive skilfully navigated us out of the city and back to the M1.
17:20
We entered Yorkshire which had as many crazy drivers as Northumberland.
17:50
South Yorkshire became Derbyshire.
18:15
Over the delightfully named River Erewash.
18:40
More delays: another traffic jam.
18:50
After stopping for petrol Trev put on his tape of groovy kids tv themes in an attempt to cheer everyone up. He failed.
19:28
Evening Bucks.
19:45
Hit more serious traffic jams so Trev decided to take evasive action and abandoned the M1/M25/M4 plan for a winding-roads-around-the-area-I-used-to-live plan.
21:10
We experienced the most beautiful sunset we had seen all holiday… over Chesham.
21:50
Clive was returned safe and sound to his mum. He admitted to not having seen much of the fantastic scenery on holiday as he had been too busy map reading.
22:20
With the sound of a distant piper still ringing in her ears, Linda, ‘The Birdwoman Of Balmacara’, was returned to the family home in Burghfield Common.
22:45
Removing her luggage (and some of Trev’s too in transpired) Joy said her farewells to Trev and admitted that she and Linda had missed most of the fantastic scenery as they had been asleep in the back of the car for most of the holiday. The car’s parcel shelf was returned to it’s rightful place insisting that it had had a REALLY nice couple of weeks in Joy’s garage ACTUALLY.
23:15
Giving his Samba a bit of a goodnight snog for 2954 miles of trouble-free motoring Trevor arrived back home in Toker’s Green the sound of the waves of Loch Alsh conspicuous by their absence. He could only wonder what the scenery had been like. He had been too busy driving to notice after all.
The Four Farties will return in
Diamonds Are For Trevor
FOURPLAY 