fart (färt) Vulgar Slang
intr.v. fart·ed, fart·ing, farts
1. To expel intestinal gas through the anus; break wind.
2. To fool around; fritter time away.
n.1. An often audible discharge of intestinal gas.
2. An annoying or foolish person.
A GUIDE TO THE FARTIES
by Linda (1994)
LINDA lives in Burghfield where the excitement is non-existant. The focal point of the village is the Post Office where the residents gather daily to watch the Postmaster change the date on the calender.
She enjoys the quiet life and spends her time occupying the bathroom, collecting dust and getting-on-down at full volume. When not engrossed in one of her hobbies Linda can be found getting drunk at parties and embarrassing her friends.
Ambitious by nature, she hopes to bring about world peace and be the first woman to get over a style without splitting her trousers. In the meantime she is looking forward to the autumn when the leaves will be changing colour. She would like to be invited to more parties.
TREVOR is presently residing in the picturesque village of East Acton with a hamster called Hawtrey. When asked about his personal habits his only comment was to scratch his whiskers. Hawtrey was much more talkative however and said that he found Trevor in a local pet shop. “He’s clean and tidy. I’m very happy and have no complaints” he said.
Trev is a strict vegetarian, always insisting that his food stands to attention before he eats it. He has a busy social life and is often out to lunch in more ways that one.
He purchased a kagoul especially for the ‘Four Farties In A Ford’ expedition but has no plans to become a full-time train spotter.
“There is no Santa Claus!” he says but claims to have seen Santa Monica in his World Atlas.
JOY is a fun loving girl and enjoys the good life which she watches regularly on video. She lives in Calcot where she is often seen running around in her Mini. A well known figure in local fashion stores, her credit limit is a well kept secret.
Joy is a closet intellectual but has no plans to come out of the closet until she has found her orange, floral loon pants. Winter evenings are always spent at evening classes where, only last month, she managed to split the atom completely by accident: “I managed to sellotape it back together again before anyone noticed”, she said.
Her ultimate ambition is to have an outfit for every occasion and she does not regret the fact that she has never learnt to play the banjo.
CLIVE has not only been but also come back and is looking forward to going again very soon. He lives in Woodley which is quite close to Reading and has been for many years.
He often goes for a run in his car and sustained several bruises last year when he tripped over the clutch. He is now fully recovered and is planning a one man assult on local curry houses.
Clive’s hobbies include having a good time and insulting complete acquaintances. He has many friends all of whom deny ever having met him. This may be because he is the founder member, infact the ONLY member of the ‘Nationwide’ and Michael Barrett Appreciation Society.
FOURPLAY 